


Better to be alive and well (Bucky Barnes x Reader) Oneshot

by NightshadeAngel



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Avengers?, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Feels?, Hurt, Love Confessions, Marvel - Freeform, different
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 09:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3442886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightshadeAngel/pseuds/NightshadeAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are an agent from SHIELD and an Avengers member (including Bucky a new member ^_^) However when a mission goes downhill, you lose your limbs in an explosion. Not only has your self esteem gone down, but you are traumatised and depressed by your experiences. Bucky however,  unexpectedly comforts you  about your problem and realises you both can relate. </p><p>(Argh, im bad at explaining -_-')</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better to be alive and well (Bucky Barnes x Reader) Oneshot

**Author's Note:**

> A/N I got inspired to do this after reading a few articles on soldiers in the army, and people with self esteem issues. so i was like eh? Maybe I could somehow relate this to Bucky Barnes. :D. im guessing this story probably made no sense to you, but I'm trying to get the point across, just see the note at the bottom for the short summary..
> 
> BTW The reader doesn't know about Bucky having a metal arm just so you know, because he always covers them with gloves and long sleeved outfits XD
> 
> Enjoy.

***

The evening rays of sun streamed through the window. You were in a small hall, sat on wheelchair next to a seat in front of a glossy black grand piano. This was the only place in the Stark Tower where you could feel calm, but now it could never be. It had been a week since the incident. What you thought was a simple mission, had gone down hill. During your recent mission to infiltrate a Hydra base, a bomb had exploded near you. Initially you thought you were going to die, but instead it had cost you your hands, forearms and the limbs below your knees. The shrapnel and the heat from the blast had left a slight burn and scar across your left cheek. It made you feel ugly and grotesque. Everytime you saw a reflection of yourself, you wanted to just dissapear. In your view no one would want to see such a sight. 

The traumatic memories had left you with shell shock. It brought tears that had started to form in your eyes, when you started to think about it again, which then dropped onto one of the white keys. You couldn't play the piano anymore. Not without having any hands. Every where you went people stared at you. The public were shocked to see that one of the Avengers was an amputee. You couldn't use a gun, or any other weapon. It was never going to be the same. Stark industries had already created you some prosthetic limbs, but the feeling of phantom pain would always be there to haunt you, so you wouldn't be able to concentrate on defending yourself or even do simple things like holding an object or walk. So you decided that it was best not to wear any.

You your decision had made you feel so limited to things you could do. You couldn't use your physical abilities to help, but only your mind, which wasn't much of any help since missions required combat, so all you did was stay in the Stark Tower.

Ever since the incident, you were either being aided by JARVIS to help you get through doors, or by one of Tony's suits to help you get through the day. You weren't allowed to go on any physical missions either. It was when the door suddenly opened and you jolted when your thoughts were interupted.

"(Name)." A familiar voice said in despair.

You knew who it was. It was Bucky, Steve's old friend. It seemed odd that he was too early back from his two week mission. 

He was a new recruit to the Avengers, but somehow, you seemed to get along with him more than anyone else. Your feelings grew for him the moment you spent more time with him. You even had your hopes up one time when he had kissed you a few weeks earlier at Tony's birthday party. You had asked about what happened that night to him, but he just casually said he was drunk and avoided seeing or talking to you the next day. 

It was not until you had the courage to tell him and break the awkward silence between you two about what you thought about him. Just two days before you and him would leave for your seperate missions, you told him about how you felt about him. He didn't reply with a yes or a no, but just walked off. He brushed it off like it was nothing. Not even a goodbye or a wave when he headed towards the helicopter watinf for him. So instead you just interpreted that as a rejection.

You knew it was a bad decision to tell him. How could he return his feelings about you? Just because he was friends with you didn't mean he was the type to love or care. His past with Hydra made him that way even though he was close to you and working for SHIELD. 

But anyways, you didn't want him to see you like this. You were scared that if he saw you he wouldn't even think about ever liking you since you were crippled. If he saw the scar and burn he would look at you like monster. That you weren't beautiful anymore. You had your back facing him but you couldn't have the strength to turn around and face him. 

"Bucky, please, I need time just by myself." You said trying to hold back a choking sob. You put your arms inwards to hide them so that he couldn't see them from the back of you.

"I heard from the group...about what happened." He said trailing off. You could hear his footsteps coming near you. You didn't want his sympathy. To you it felt like he was only saying it to comfort you because the Avengers had told him.

"Please leave." You said sternly in a cracked voice, trying to make him leave. It was difficult to push him away. It took time for you to break down Bucky's defences in order for him to get to know you. Now you were just giving him a reason to build them back up again. As much as you wanted him to stay you didn't want him to see you cry.

"But (Name), as soon as I heard from them..." he paused trying to change his words, taking a seat next to you,"I'm here to-" he suddenly stopped abruptly when he noticed what was left of your arms. His mouth opened in shock before he could finish what he was going to say.

You saw this and snapped to draw his attention away from looking at your injuries. 

"I don't need you or your sympathy. Stop trying to pretend to feel sorry for me!" 

You turned to face him, your eyes red and watering and tears streaming down your cheeks. Immediatly, you could see the hurt in his blue eyes the moment you said you didn't need him. The brightness in them before, had dimmed. In your head you wanted to strangle yourself. Your heart told you to stop hurting his feelings but your mind told you that he could never like you now that you were like this.

Bucky looked down for a moment before pulling an angry face at you.

"So you think I'm pretending?" He said, his voice getting louder at the end of the sentence. "That the moment I heard you were almost going to die?" He growled in irritation that you didn't care about his sympathy.

"Bucky I-" but he interrupted you before you could say anything.

"I thought you were dead (Name)!" He exclaimed, clearly distressed about the probability of almost losing you. 

"Maybe I would of been better off dead instead!" You argued back. He couldn't take the hint that you wanted him to go. He grabbed your waist and neck and pulled you towards him, making the distances between your faces smaller.

"Don't you ever say that. " he half whispered and half warned staring deep into your eyes, his blood boiling. You felt his grip around you tighten and tense.

"It's not like you would've cared anyway," looking away then looking back again at his eyes,"You're not the type to care. Even if I died." 

"You say that I wouldn't of cared?" He shouted, venom filling in his words,"well you're wrong! I cared enough when the moment I heard you were almost dead, I deserted my mission and came here as fast as I could because I thought you were on your death bed! So don't tell me that I didn't give a shit about you!" He let go of his grip on you

"You didn't give a shit about me when..." you paused in thought. Were you really going to say it? Was this going to be another mistake? "When I told you how I felt!" you suddenly blurted out. 

Bucky's eyes widened about what you had just said. You had already dug a hole for yourself in an awkward situation with him before, now you were just digging deeper. 

"You played me that night on Tony's birthday!" You yelled. "You had my hopes up when you kissed me. But the next day you ignored me. When i asked you about it, all you did was just brush it off and say you were drunk, so I thought we were on good terms!" 

"(Name) I didn't-" his eyes were showing even more hurt and pain. But you interupted him.

"But that didn't piss me off. For someone who brushed it off like it was nothing, seemed to act like it was still a problem! You still acted like a fucking dick to me!" You were fuming and angry at him. All these bottled up emotions were suddenly coming out and attacking him. "The day that I just wanted to settle things for you and me, you just walked away and left me no answer!" 

Bucky was looking down, staying quiet. Hs brown long locks were hiding his face. He had felt guilty about the way he treated you. His breathing had turned slightly ragged and his fists were balled and rested on his lap. 

Silence had filled the hall. You had already said enough to hurt him. But you needed to make sure he understood your pain of him ignoring you. 

"I didn't ask for you to love me back...I just wanted to know if you felt the same about me. Now I know it's obvious that you never will, especially now that I'm crippled. You had looked at me like the rest of society, like I'm useless. But you would never understand, you don't know how it feels." You sadly whispered. You both sat in silence thinking about what had just happened. 

He got up from the seat, but stood infront of you and bent down slightly to meet you at eye level. What was then unexpected was that he suddenly cupped your face softly with his two gloved hands. 

And he kissed you.

At first your eyes widened at the suprising intimacy he had shown. But then your eyes closed, as both of your lips locked together in harmony. This wasn't like the kiss he had shared with you before when he was 'drunk'. His kiss was so passionate, and full of meaning. He let out a low moan. The blood in your cheeks flowed rapidly causing you to blush uncontrollably. He slid one of his hands to your waist while he pulled you closer to his chest. 

His tongue begged for entrance to enter you mouth. And you moaned in acceptance. His tongue danced with yours willingly. He explored your mouth as his touch sent cool shivers down your back.  
However this moment was short lived when you both broke apart to breathe.

You were gasping for air when he softly lifted your chin to his gaze. His eyes that were hurt before were filled with lust but a hint of sadness.

"You said I could never understand what it would feel like to be crippled...You're right. But I have a feeling that we at least both share something in common." Bucky said, taking off his black jacket and gloves and shirt.

"Bucky what are you-" but he put a finger to your lips. 

The realisation hit you when you noticed why he took them off. You silently gasped at the sight of his prosthetic metal arm. You had never known about this since the last two months in his first arrival. His toned body had made your face go a darker shade of red.

"The moment I came to join SHIELD and I met you, I wanted hide it. Only Steve and Natasha knew about it. I thought everyone in the group and you would think I was different or a monster because I had killed so many with it. It's why I always stayed away from some of the group, but I couldn't stay away from you. But I had to." He explained.

"Bucky, I would never think you were a monster."

"The same with you (Name). I was scared of what you would think of me. When I kissed you that day, I was afraid that you'd have distanced yourself away from me if you found out about my arm. So instead I stayed away. It pained me to do it, especially when I walked away from you that day. I'm sorry (Name) that I hurt you."

Bucky's honestly finally left your heart at peace. He had finally told you the reason for his actions. He leaned into your neck and gave you small kisses. 

"I'm sorry too," you apologized feeling guilty,"I thought that you would view me as something you would never want to see again after what happened." He looked up to you and smiled. 

"I would rather have you alive and well with what you think are your 'flaws' than have you leave me. (Name) I...I love you." He stuttered slightly, with a hint of red on his cheeks.

"I love you too." You replied with happiness in your eyes.

 

***

A month later...

"Look who's getting back to her normal self." Tony said taking a swing of whiskey and talking to Steve as they watched the sparring match between you and Bucky in the gym. Steve nodded in agreement. Yoy wete finally getting back on your life.

It had been five days since your surgery to get permanent robotic prosthetic limbs like Bucky's. Today was when you were trying them out.

That kiss you shared with him that day had lead from one thing to another and you were now both dating. He had helped you get over the pain you felt and told you not to give up on yourself. You also repaid the debt by helping him to be confident about exposing his arm in front of everyone.

"You know," Bucky said with shallow breaths trying to dodge every punch and kick you threw at him,"I didn't think you were that good at first when I saw you spar. But now I think," he gasped for air catching you're foot in midair causing you to fall,"I'm not so sure."

You smirked, cataching him offguard when you swiped your leg causing him to fall on his back, as you crawled on top of him. "I think you need to know you're enemy better." You were both breathing heavily as you looked at each others faces.

It was not until he flipped you over and switched places with you so you were underneath him. 

"Urgh, screw knowing the enemy, I wanna make out with the enemy." He confessed, his lips pressing onto yours with impatience. His hand pinned your arms to floor. As the other one held your waist. You could tell he wanted to do that at the start of the match.

Steve's eyes widened and Tony saw his expression. 

"Guys! Not in front of the baby of the group!" Tony said walking away not even wanting to know what was gonna happen next. 

 

***

So basically in a short summary, the girl in the story had lost her limbs in an explosion and she was left slightly disfigured. She felt ugly and that no one would find her beautiful anymore. Of course bucky thought the same about himself. He was able to see through her flaws and decided she was beautiful and that it was better to have a part of her than nothing at all. 

I hope that makes sense? I think I made it a little too dramatic. For me its a bit meh. Wow ive realised its a little too long.


End file.
